I haven’t posted in weeks because I have been alone with my two kids and work to do and I have been battling it out with another depression. It was one of those too many things to do at once so all of them get done badly type of scenarios and of course, the grief that comes with doing shoddy work and shoddy parenting because I was just stretched too thin,.
It has been shit!
But I am trying to ease back into it. And, trying to forgive myself for not being perfect. For not loosing the weight I wanted to lose, for my garden completely and totally fucking failing, for accidentally giving my five year old an extensively rich vocabulary of profanity, for not being in life where I wanted to be.
So I am back to being kinda heavier and having terrible anxiety at times and having friendships fall apart or fade away, I finally saw someone for who they really were and it was terrifying (staying the fuck away from you, buddy!) and like that. Nobody is fucking perfect.
Today I am wearing a gorgeous Collectif UK wiggle dress in a kind of pink/lavender, it sits on the in between but I am wearing the shoes that I bought to go with them because who doesn’t need a pair of pink glitter heels with bows. I am the envy of every five year old girl on the planet in those babies!
My hair is a bit of a mess but I have my favorite Shazam Hair Flowers in my hair and they always make me feel like a fairy princess, which, I think, is fucking excellent for 39.
So, things have been shit, but I am ready to get back behind the wheel and try…. and fail… and try and try again and pray because that helps me.
Faith is a very weird conversation to have if you live in Quebec. Before I ever bring the subject up, I always ask who I am talking to, so, where are you from? If they say Quebec, I am a lot more hesitant to tell them that I go to church because you will often get this look like an alien has just flown out of your ass. For people from anywhere else, its just like saying you prefer your coffee with cream and no sugar.
As a person of faith, I always wonder about whether little things are signs, like when I saw a red fox in Mount Royal cemetery a bunch of times while I was trying to get pregnant and had a red haired little boy.
Well, the theme of my summer is the garden that failed to produce anything but kittens. I kept having abandoned kittens show up in my yard and it was a whole big thing to get them housed and then more showed up and then there was a pile of them living under a window cover in the yard.
It was weird. They kept coming out of nowhere. I often wondered if that was a sign of some sort though I have no fucking clue as to what that could be a sign of.
Anyway, this dress is a dream and looked exactly as it did in its pretty little online photo. It made me feel good to make my first post in forever.
I am back. Not sure what that means yet but I am back.