When I started up with this website it was with the full intention of trying to become one of those super known internet pinups on Instagram with thousands of followers and gorgeous hair every day and amazing clothes and all of that bullshit. But progressively, because my life is an absolute disaster and pinup was really just my means of escape.
Who am I, really? I am a mother in her late thirties who has been a journalist for almost 20 years and does that well. I write, I write really well. I can dress up well too but I stopped posting all of those “outfit of the day” photos last fall because I had run up so much money in debt trying to become some sort of sensation within a system that I had no comprehension of. I thought that well surely, someone would want to couple the way I looked on video with the work I have been doing in print journalism and somehow I could turn this into a new career….. but that went nowhere.
I can write. I can write 10,000 words a day if that is the assignment. I can write until my fingers bleed. I can chase a story down and needle until I get an answer because that is who I am hence the “Persistent.” But I stopped taking so many photos last fall because things began to spiral out of control with my personal life and my depression and anxiety and I gained a lot of weight. I trained with a trainer for months before hand and had been doing a workout with heavy weights for a while so now I am as strong as your typical Amish farm hand and have fat sitting on top of that. It is so sexy.
As women we are going through a revolution right now of being ok with our own bodies and trying to love ourselves and speaking out about the abuse we suffered through. My reality is that I have suffered so many sexual assaults both before and after the age of 18 that I can’t count them. Then there was alcoholism and narcissism in the house in the child and bam, I wound up and adult without any self esteem, in a horribly violent relationship where I had no consent over my own body throughout the duration of my twenties and then in my thirties marrying a man that was also a drunken narcissist so that the circle could complete itself.
And so here I am now. I love the whole pinup thing but I haven’t been posting photos because I have so much body shame going on that I can scarcely look at myself or my body in the mirror. I have a tremendous amount of muscle and also a few inches of fat sitting on top of it. Saying that I am unhappy with where my body is at is a massive understatement.
So I will start to reemerge bit by bit. My heart is heavy and I have just been really depressed. I am working on it though and I am no quitter.
Today’s post was about being real and sharing who I really am.
Instead of a glamorous gown, I went with pink glowing makeup because its different from what I normally do and it makes me feel pretty.
3 Replies to “Its Hard to be Pretty through Turmoil”
*Huge hugs* I can relate to so much of this and the feelings of shame, depression, and horribly low/non-existent self-esteem that go along with suffering abuse. Do what you can do and need to do to take care of yourself, and be at peace within your self and your skin, that is most important. And know that you are not alone in this, no matter what, you are not alone.
Sending you lots of love.
Thank you for your kind words.
You’re so welcome sweetie.